Intro
So, here I am, staring into the abyss of my phone screen, and the abyss stares right back with targeted ads for socks and existential dread. It's a real love-hate relationship, you know?
Let's talk social media, shall we? Facebook, the digital town square where everyone posts filtered vacation pics and political rants that make you question humanity. It's like a family reunion, but everyone's shouting and you can't escape. I am trying BlueSky, bless its little microblog heart. It's like a cool indie coffee shop, but nobody I know is there. I'm basically ordering a black coffee and talking to myself.
And don't even get me started on WhatsApp. It's great for keeping in touch, but trying to migrate everyone to Signal or Telegram is like herding cats. Hardly anyone wants to change.
Then there's the Amazon beast. "Free" Prime shipping? Yeah, free as in "we're destroying the planet one oversized box at a time." My tiny USB drive arrived in a box big enough to house a small family of squirrels. Free shipping also means more trucks, more package material and therefor more harm for the environment
And Google? Oh, Google, you know everything. My search history is basically a cry for help disguised as "best vegan recipes."
I did manage to kick X (formerly known as the bird app) to the curb. It was like finally breaking up with that toxic ex who only posts conspiracy theories and cat memes (wait, I like cat memes). Bye Musk! Bye Oath Keepers, ! Bye KKK! Bye Trump propaganda!
So, what's a person to do? Well, I'm going to keep using the tech giants, because convenience is my weakness, and I'm a sucker for those targeted ads. But I'm also going to engage animals in the yard, Whatsapp my lovely wife, and maybe plant a tree to offset my carbon footprint. And remember, friends, family first.
Alright, folks, gather 'round the digital campfire, because I'm about to roast some tech giants so hard, they'll need to update their privacy policies to include "emotional burn protection."
'Jeffery Bagles'
Let's start with Mr. "I'm-Definitely-Not-a-Bond-Villain" Bezos. Amazon: where you can buy everything from a life-sized cardboard cutout of yourself to a single, inexplicably expensive banana. "Free" Prime shipping? More like "We're going to deliver this thimble in a box the size of a small car, just to assert our dominance."
And don't even get me started on Alexa. She's always listening. I swear, she's judging my questionable karaoke renditions of 80s power ballads.
Mark 'Suckerberg'
Then there's Zuck, the social media overlord. Facebook: where your aunt shares conspiracy theories, your ex posts heavily filtered vacation pics, and you spend hours scrolling through cat videos you've already seen. It's like a digital family reunion, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the potato salad is algorithmically generated.
And don't get me started on the Metaverse. It's like Second Life, but with worse graphics and the nagging feeling that you're trapped in a screensaver.
'X-man'
And let's not forget Elon, the man who thinks Mars is a fixer-upper and Twitter is a playground for chaos. X (formerly known as the bird app) is like a digital zoo, but the animals are all tweeting their deepest, darkest thoughts (and conspiracy theories). It's a place where you can witness the birth of a meme and the death of civil discourse in the same scroll.
'Giggle'
Google, they know everything. They know what you had for breakfast, what you're thinking about buying, and what questionable medical symptoms you've been Googling at 3 a.m. They're basically the digital equivalent of that nosy neighbor who always knows your business. And don't even get me started on the constant barrage of targeted ads. I swear, they're listening to my conversations about needing a new spatula and then they try to sell me a 3D-printed, self-stirring, voice-activated one.
'Tim Cookery'
And Apple... oh, Apple. The land of sleek design and overpriced dongles. They've convinced us that we need a new iPhone every year, even though the only difference is the camera can now take pictures of dust particles in 8K. And don't even get me started on the App Store. It's like a digital mall, but the stores are all selling apps that promise to make you more productive, more mindful, and more likely to spend money.
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